i need to calm down a bit before i write anything or this blog entry would be filled with unnecessary rants.

i just can't understand why they can't seem to understand.
age gap? maybe..
but hey.
they don't need to make us feel that we did not do anything right.
or that we don't love them.
cause we have done everything to please them.
EVERYTHING.
or at least, for me everything that doesn't require me to give up things that i love to do.
or things that i enjoy to do.
i think my brother has done literally EVERYTHING for my parents, not even deciding for himself.
and if they are still not enough.
for my 20 years of existence.
im so sorry.
maybe you just have to accept the fact that i can't be the perfect daughter that you want.
the last time i check, no perfect daughter has ever lived yet.

***

im tired. really tired. of the expectations of the people around me.

im tired to pretend that everything is easy cause they are not.

im tired of explaining myself to you cause you never understand or even hear what i say.

im tired of trying to understand you.

im tired of you blaming the organization where i belong for everything that i was not able to do.

im tired of comparisons.

im tired of doing everything yet not being appreciated.

im tired of trying to make you proud cause that's what i've been doing for the last 20 years yet you never seem to notice.

im tired of you seeing our faults but never our sacrifices.

im tired of you saying everything you've done for our family but never the things you failed to do.

im tired of pretending not to hear every bad thing you say about how i live my life.

im tired of you saying that we must make decisions for ourselves but you never let us decide what we want.

im tired of how you keep on saying that we must learn to live our life the way we want it but you never let us live it.

im tired of all these.
but i can't stop doing them
because these things that im tired of doing
are the things that make you happy.
and i love you.

if regretting something is not a bad thing to do.
i'd regret the day that i promised to myself that i'd do everything to please you.
cause it hurts more when i do everything to try meet your expectations
and yet I fail.

***

i can't be the perfect daughter.
nor my brother be the perfect son.
i know i've failed in one way or another.
i know i've disappointed you. for not excelling in my studies this college, for having as what you say more "extra-curricular" activities instead of focusing on my acads, for no longer wanting to take up medicine and for having a boyfriend.
and im sorry.

but please.
try to understand us as much as we try to understand where all your expectations are coming from.

and now my rebuttal for all the things you said:

im cramming my thesis, yes. but is it my fault that all those stupid reactions did not give me the products that i need?

im asking money for my board exam review. but i told you i can pay for it using my last sem's college scholarship reimbursements and you insisted not to.

i need to enter a review center for the board exam because yes, i may have failed to learn everything i need to learn during my four years in undergraduate studies.

asking for money is not the only thing that we are good to do. or maybe yes that's where im good at because maybe giving money is the only thing that you are good to do too.

i was not able to join you in palawan or join you when you were watching a movie because i am cramming for my thesis because you wanted me to study in UP. and unfortunately UP does not care if their students graduate on time or not. even if you are the best student in campus and yet you fail to pass your thesis on time you would never have the chance to graduate. you should have let me study in UST or other schools because there they take good care of their students and when one is graduating, he is assured to have a slot in the list of graduating students as long as he pass all his subjects.

joining chemsoc is one of the best decisions that i made in my life and nothing can change that.

i am still considering medicine but the most important factor that im thinking about is that i no longer want you to feel the burden of making me study. I want you to enjoy your life. if medicine is really for me, i'd pursue it alone and i can do it.

honestly i dont like going home to Roxas. i can never be myself there. i need to smile always and pretend that im this perfect beauty and brains maria clara and i can't stand it anymore.

if you wanted us to help you in your business, you only need to ask us, you don't need to attack us in every angle possible cause that won't help.

stop comparing yourself to us. life before is very different from the life now. you have brought us up differently from the way you were brought up.

i did not ask for anything. you give, i take it.

we've love you in every way we know possible and that love is the one thing that you should never question. Questioning that love is like questioning our worth and the value of our existence.

we can never be perfect, but as far as im concerned, we've been the best. if i am a mother myself, i'd want my children to be just like how i am to you. but more free to decide for themselves. i would understand, and would never judge. i would be guiding them, but i would never reprimand.

no worries however. for us you're still the best parents that any child can have. we love you and nothing will change that. no matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends we have. no matter what happens. if ever the time comes that we have our own families, we will never leave you. you will always be our first love. that's a promise.

nuff said :)

=P

at kasama ako dun..

napabayaan ko na ang aking blogdrive blog. hehe.

at ito ulit ang unang beses kong buksan siya sa loob ng madaming araw. hehe. naging busy kasi ako sa multiply.. pero narealize ko lately na ayaw ko namang may bumabasa ng mga sinusulat ko. hehe.

kaya magbabalik loob na lang ako sa blogdrive. :P hehe..

madaling araw na..

antagal magprint nung printer. hehe.

mga next time, aayusin ko na ulit ang blog na ito. :)

pero for the mean time..

alam niyo bang may kakayanan akong magbukas ng email ng may email? haha.

ndi naman siya panghahack.

feeling ko may powers lang ako. ahaha. nafefeel ko lang na un ung password nung tao. hehe.

pero dahil alam kong masama siya, di ko na siya ginawa. hehe.

once lang un. hehe. at di ko rin alam bakit ko ba siya tinry. ahahaha.

pero ang galing no?

anyway..

aun lang :)

sige, gudnyt na :)

i just wanna greet every father out there a happy father's day =)

at dahil father's day ngaun.. obviously, si papa iniisip ko.. hehe.. and how he treats me as his little angel.. noon.. at kahit mejo binawasan niya ngaun, nararamdaman kong ganun pa din.. hehe..

naisip ko din na, oo swerte ako for having my dad as my dad.

hindi naman ako ganun ka-spoiled sa kanya.. well, mas spoiled ung kapatid ko.. pero yeah, he gives me everything i need.. he is always there.. he loves and cares for me no matter what (proven :P).. at kahit oo, i see his imperfections, i just can't stop being proud for having him as my father. :)

though things are really different now since i was a kid.. and though i know that things would continuously change.. i just know from deep inside that nothing will change the fact that i would forever be daddy's little angel.. =)

*kahit pa madaming magclaim na tinuturing nila akong angel.. at kahit basta.. hehe..*wink*

hay.

tapos na ang first week ng first sem. mabuhay!

pero di naman talaga dapat maghooray hooray dahil andami na agad gagawin. wah. kung di ba naman ako swerte e lahat ng mga klase ko ngaung sem ay nagpapaquiz araw. well at least bawas sa pagccram pagdating ng long exams. hehe. sana.

<sarcasm>napakaganda ng shedule ko ngaun. mabuhay ulit!</sarcasm>

MTh 7:00-4:00 / TF 11:30-5:30 / W 1:00-7:00 pm

kamusta naman. hay.

buti na lang ang dalawang chem lab instructors ko ay inspirasyon. nyahaha! shhh. :P

haha. at ang scholarship chorva problem ko ay hindi pa rin nareresolve. wahaha.

isama pa natin ang mejo mas strict na set ng execom officers ngaun, pero mabuhay talaga sila dahil napakagaling nila. :D *ang parteng nabanggit ay hindi sarcastic* hehe..

pano naman ako magiging isang mabuting myembro sa minamahal kong chemsoc e hindi nga alam ng mga magulang ko na nag-re-app ako.. shh lang ulit. hehe. kasi naman. dapat daw mag-inactive ako dahil sa mga pangyayari sa acads ko. wag mabother wala naman akong binagsak, pahamak lang talaga ang scholarship ko. nyahaha. at pinagdadasal ko pa din iyon hanggang ngaun. hehe. tulong naman sa pagdadasal dyan. :P hehe.

tapos memcom pa ako ngaun. hooray hooray! though sa tingin ko e mas mahahasa nga naman ang aking skills sa pagiging org member sa pagiging memcom ay mahirap pa din lalo na nga't hindi to alam ng aking mga magulang. haha. shempre di ko pa nakakausap si head tungkol dito pero dadating din tayo jan. :)

happiness pala nung tuesday at wednesday dahil may mga chorva freshie orientation at block handling *nauna pala ung block handling* tapos dun sa block handling naging active-activan akong bata/mem at nagturo ng cheers para sa mga halogen people. haha. odiba ang chemistry namin, ang groups ay B(boron), C(Carbon), N(Nitrogen), O(oxygen) tapos noble gases at halogens. ahahaha. :P shempre maganda ung cheers kasi ako nagisip pati ung dance steps. hahaha. nung lagay na un ay nagugutom pa ako.. :P

tapos nung freshie orientation, napanood din namin ung avp ng chemsoc at nagcheer cheer at naaliw naman ung mga freshies. haha.

ay! oo nga pala kasama ako sa mga "models" ng org para sa posters ngaun. ung mga chorva na may "join UP Chemsoc" hahahaha.

grand GA nga pala namin kanina at masaya naman. :) kaya di ko maiwan ang chemsoc tulad na lang ng sinasabi sa akin ng mga magulang ay dahil nga sa sayang naidudulot ng mga tao at ng org mismo sa aking haggard at harrased na buhay. hahaha. :P

tapos.. ung maiksi kong pasensya naubos na. haha.

pakidasal naman ang patience patience patience ko kasama ng scholarship ko. hehe.

isang tanong sa psych101 nung nagiintroduce kami nung thursday.. na sinagot ko..

"the things that i do that always make me feel better no matter what are:

*surfing the net

*eating

*and sleeping"

kaya naman kakain ako mamaya at matutulog. hindi ako iiyak. haha. though makakatulong din un. kunwari babasahin ko na lang si harry 5 at 6 tapos iiyak ako kasi mamatay si sirius tapos mamatay si dumbledore. pero kunwari di niyo alam na nagkukunwari ako.

ahuhuhu.

sad...

 

para akong naglalakad na bato kanina..

bato na walang nararamdaman pero naglalakad..

naglalakad nang hindi alam kung saan pupunta..

pupunta sa isang lugar na malayo..

palayo ng palayo na hindi man lang lilingon..

hindi lilingon sa isang taong naging dahilan ng madaming bagay na pinagiispan..

madaming bagay na pinagiisipan to the point na nakakablanko ng utak..

utak na sinasabing dapat kang mainis..

mainis sa kanya..

sa kanya o sa sarili mo?

sa sarili mo o sa oras?

oras na parang napakaiksi..

napakaiksi pero mabagal..

lumalabo na naman ako.. hay..

sana dulot lang to ng init ng araw at lamig ng aircon sa internet shop..

internet shop na ayaw ko ng pasukin kaya sana may dsl na sa bahay..

bahay na ayaw ko pang uwian dahil hindi ko mailabas ang nararamdaman ko doon..

doon kung nasan ang mga taong hindi naman talaga nakikilala at nakikita ang tunay na anne..

ang tunay na anne na laging naiiwan sa paaralan o sa mrt..

sa mrt na lagi kong sinasakyan..

sinasakyan para makarating sa pupuntahan..

pupuntahan na malayo sa lugar na nilalayuan..

nilalayuan dahil sa taong dahilan ng pagkalungkot ngaung araw..

ngaung araw ng sabado, ika labing anim ng hunyo..

sad....

ayaw ko pa pumasok.. hehe..

tapos na ako mag-enroll nung wednesday pa lang.. pero anjoke ng sked ko. hehe.

at dumating din sina mama at papa nun dahil may emergency convention siya or something like that. pero nararamadaman ko na namiss lang nila kami ng bro ko. hehe.

kasama ko na ang brother ko dito sa manila. sa San Beda siya. at well. super excited niya at super proud to be a Bedan. hehe. nakakatawa siya kapag nagkukuwento sa kin. at ngaung nagnenet kami e wala na siyang ibang kinakanta kundi ung bedan cheer at natatawa akong pakinggan siya. hehe.

tapos.. nung wednesday pala.. nalaman na nila mama ung matagal na problema ko na tungkol sa scholarship ko. kasi naman, i'm so great. hehe. sana ma-appeal at madala ang foundation sa drama ng sulat ko - valid naman kasi mga reasons ko e. hehe. :P

tapos.. nung thursday - pumunta kami sa bambang ni mama. namili ng ecg paper at ng strips pang FBS. at naaliw na naman ako pagpasok ko dun sa store. wahaha. ansarap ng feeling na napapalibutan ako ng gamot. weird. hehe. :P

tapos pinanood namin si piolo at si regine. hehe. nakakatawa ung film dahil kay eugene domingo. at natatawa talaga ako sa ilang mga lines na di na natanggal sa utak ko. hehe. tulad ng:

"pinangakuan ka na nga, gusto mo tuparin pa."

"babae lang ako, marupok."

"manang, pakibatukan nga ako, parang ang bilis ng mga pangyayari."

hehe..

at ung..

"welcome to heaven resort where you can rest in peace forever." etc. hehe. :P

kaso mejo nailang ako kasi puro halikan. nyahaha. pero gwapo pa rin si Piolo. sana wag na siyang bakla. hehe. :P

tapos..

nung friday.. umatend ako ng linnaeunion na joke. kasi 6 lang kami plus ryan. hehe. pumunta kami sa trinoma, ang ganda nga dun e. pero di rin ako nagtagal dun. at sumama ung pakiramdam ko kasi nawala ung pink kong pamaypay na may naka-embroider na "anne" na pink din na bigay ni mama. ndi ko talaga maalala san ko siya naiwan. feeling ko sa mcdo philcoa. kapag nakita niyo naman pakibalik sa kin. hehe. :P

tapos nagkita kami nila mama sa rob pioneer tapos bumili ng sapatos ng kapatid ko..

tapos kaninang umaga -nagpunta kami sa sa glorietta para manood ng mr. bean. haha. oo nga - comedy. hehe.

tapos.. umuwi na sila mama. sad.

at kami ng kapatid ko ay nagiinternet dito. kanina pa kami actually.

hehe..

dahil malapit na matapos ang summer break at magkklase na. nais kong irelive ang summer moments ko. :P nyahaha.

kaya naman - nag-upload ako ng pics sa multiply. hehe.

check niyo.. :P

http://maangelsc.multiply.com

comment kayo a. =) hehe.

 

Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don�t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. weird ung mata ko. isa far sighted, isa near sighted. di ko na matandaan which is which, pero ung right eye di mashadong nagffunction kaya di ko din mafeel kung anong feeling pagtumitingin na ang isang mata near-sighted, isa far sighted. haha. :P

2. weird daw ako magsulat, weird ako humawak ng ballpen at kapag nagsusulat ako kelangan naka-90 degrees angle from me ung sinusulatan ko tapos nakasuper bend to the side ung ulo ko. pero di ko siya napapansin. hehe. tas kapag napansin siya ng ibang tao, kaya ko siyang inormal. hehe.

3. normal sa kin magkaron ng one day to one week sort of depression before a certain date, monthly. di sumasablay, pero madalas kong makalimutan na normal siya and every month nagtataka ako kung bakit ako tinotopak before a certain date. hehe.

4. takot ako sa itlog ng butiki and i find that weird.

5. kinikilig ako kapag nalalaman ko na kamukha ko ung mga artistang babae na crush ko. may mga crush akong babae pero artista lang. hahaha.

6. mas naliligaw ako sa pilipinas kesa sa ibang bansa. hehe.

tag sina.. boyband, ching, raymund, te cess, larapot, ytLe =)

it's my 7th day in Singapore and i have 3 more days to go!!

i can't wait to go back to the Philippines but at the same time, i don't want to leave this place and my tita. i think i'm falling in love with this place and the way of living of the people here.

we went to the singapore zoo, rode rides in wild wild wet and took pictures in sentosa for the past days. today is our schedule for the shopping of pasalubongs. after this internet surfing that my cousins and i are doing, we would shop for more souvenirs. well, we should.

then tomorrow, we would again swim!! talk about sunburn (especially since the pools here open around 12 noon)! and the sun does not set until 7 pm! my skin really hurts a lot now and i'm already tan. nyahaha.

and i'm fatter. haha. i feel so ugly. haha.

i love riding their buses here, and the mrt and going to their malls and simply looking around. the church where we heard mass this morning was also nice.

i like the feeling that you can walk late at night and use your cellphone on the streets and display your mp3 player or ipods and no one will do you harm.

*yawn*

i slept at around 4 am this morning since my girl cousins and our new found friend played pinoy henyo and did charades. it was fun. i felt young cause i was playing with 11, 12 and 13 year old girls. haha.

i was glad that my cousins and i had this time to bond. i was never really close to the 2 girls that i'm with maybe because of the age gap or something like that but now, we can laugh about a lot of things and talk about everything.

also, i love speaking in english. haha. talking to people in english. and the thought of talking in tagalog with the people i know when the other people around you would not understand what you are saying. haha. *evil grin*

oh and one more thing i love about singapore that i told kuya james in ym a while ago is this: singapore taught me not to think about the things that i should not think and even the things that i should think about. haha. no worries. just pure fun. it's not like the usual life that i have in the Philippines where i always think. hehehe.

i'm really having the time of my life. i'm consdering the thought of staying here once i graduated. or maybe new zealand, i heard that's a great place too. hehehe.

though i really miss my family and my friends and the Philippines in general, i am really enjoying my stay here. i'm loving every minute and i'm definitely having fun. but for me having fun is different from being happy - if i only have my heart with me. *chos!* haha.

**i love pink dolphins!!!!!! really do, i want to have a pet pink dolphin. haha.
***pictures are to follow, once i'm back in the Phils, just check my multiply site.