outlet :| « *my own fairy tale =)*

Sunday, March 29, 2009

outlet :|

i need to calm down a bit before i write anything or this blog entry would be filled with unnecessary rants.

i just can't understand why they can't seem to understand.
age gap? maybe..
but hey.
they don't need to make us feel that we did not do anything right.
or that we don't love them.
cause we have done everything to please them.
EVERYTHING.
or at least, for me everything that doesn't require me to give up things that i love to do.
or things that i enjoy to do.
i think my brother has done literally EVERYTHING for my parents, not even deciding for himself.
and if they are still not enough.
for my 20 years of existence.
im so sorry.
maybe you just have to accept the fact that i can't be the perfect daughter that you want.
the last time i check, no perfect daughter has ever lived yet.

***

im tired. really tired. of the expectations of the people around me.

im tired to pretend that everything is easy cause they are not.

im tired of explaining myself to you cause you never understand or even hear what i say.

im tired of trying to understand you.

im tired of you blaming the organization where i belong for everything that i was not able to do.

im tired of comparisons.

im tired of doing everything yet not being appreciated.

im tired of trying to make you proud cause that's what i've been doing for the last 20 years yet you never seem to notice.

im tired of you seeing our faults but never our sacrifices.

im tired of you saying everything you've done for our family but never the things you failed to do.

im tired of pretending not to hear every bad thing you say about how i live my life.

im tired of you saying that we must make decisions for ourselves but you never let us decide what we want.

im tired of how you keep on saying that we must learn to live our life the way we want it but you never let us live it.

im tired of all these.
but i can't stop doing them
because these things that im tired of doing
are the things that make you happy.
and i love you.

if regretting something is not a bad thing to do.
i'd regret the day that i promised to myself that i'd do everything to please you.
cause it hurts more when i do everything to try meet your expectations
and yet I fail.

***

i can't be the perfect daughter.
nor my brother be the perfect son.
i know i've failed in one way or another.
i know i've disappointed you. for not excelling in my studies this college, for having as what you say more "extra-curricular" activities instead of focusing on my acads, for no longer wanting to take up medicine and for having a boyfriend.
and im sorry.

but please.
try to understand us as much as we try to understand where all your expectations are coming from.

and now my rebuttal for all the things you said:

im cramming my thesis, yes. but is it my fault that all those stupid reactions did not give me the products that i need?

im asking money for my board exam review. but i told you i can pay for it using my last sem's college scholarship reimbursements and you insisted not to.

i need to enter a review center for the board exam because yes, i may have failed to learn everything i need to learn during my four years in undergraduate studies.

asking for money is not the only thing that we are good to do. or maybe yes that's where im good at because maybe giving money is the only thing that you are good to do too.

i was not able to join you in palawan or join you when you were watching a movie because i am cramming for my thesis because you wanted me to study in UP. and unfortunately UP does not care if their students graduate on time or not. even if you are the best student in campus and yet you fail to pass your thesis on time you would never have the chance to graduate. you should have let me study in UST or other schools because there they take good care of their students and when one is graduating, he is assured to have a slot in the list of graduating students as long as he pass all his subjects.

joining chemsoc is one of the best decisions that i made in my life and nothing can change that.

i am still considering medicine but the most important factor that im thinking about is that i no longer want you to feel the burden of making me study. I want you to enjoy your life. if medicine is really for me, i'd pursue it alone and i can do it.

honestly i dont like going home to Roxas. i can never be myself there. i need to smile always and pretend that im this perfect beauty and brains maria clara and i can't stand it anymore.

if you wanted us to help you in your business, you only need to ask us, you don't need to attack us in every angle possible cause that won't help.

stop comparing yourself to us. life before is very different from the life now. you have brought us up differently from the way you were brought up.

i did not ask for anything. you give, i take it.

we've love you in every way we know possible and that love is the one thing that you should never question. Questioning that love is like questioning our worth and the value of our existence.

we can never be perfect, but as far as im concerned, we've been the best. if i am a mother myself, i'd want my children to be just like how i am to you. but more free to decide for themselves. i would understand, and would never judge. i would be guiding them, but i would never reprimand.

no worries however. for us you're still the best parents that any child can have. we love you and nothing will change that. no matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends we have. no matter what happens. if ever the time comes that we have our own families, we will never leave you. you will always be our first love. that's a promise.

Posted at 09:47 am by angel_c

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